Thanks for your comment, John. I’m not attacking white men at all. I think it’s super-important to separate out the guise of white masculinity from humans themselves (which is why I said “as a construct”) in the essay. The way that we (all of us) are taught that white masculinity should look is harming everyone, white men included. It’s the guise that says you (as a white man) are not worth much unless your tall, strong or have a bunch of money. It’s the guise that says you will be my savior/rescuer/provider. It will stop when enough of us can disconnect from it and create other ways. I appreciate that you’re commenting on a slow progress here, because we CAN see progress. Many people in their twenties now know their fathers as real people who’ve been engaged in their lives. My son and his father love each other very much. In my generation, the norm was for our fathers to be detached, stoic behind newspapers. The women’s movement did a lot to liberate men in that regard, to create a culture that allows them to be soft enough to engage with and care for their children. Many men really stepped up for family labor too. It’s not a perfect, but it’s progress.

I also think that white people and men need to develop a thicker skin when it comes to social change and social justice. We are far too sensitive. As I’ve said in this essay, sometimes, regardless of our intentions (maybe even actions), we will look like the enemy. We will stand or speak like the enemy. This is inevitable because so much current and historical pain has been wrought by people who look like us — and sometimes by us (with or without our conscious participation). Even though I experience oppression as a woman, it’s not “the same” as every other form of oppression and I need to listen and take others’ lead on a topic like racism, for instance. Because of whiteness as a construct, because of maleness as a construct, white men were socialized, in a very profound way, not to let others lead. Indeed, listening and letting others lead sometimes feels like insult or even defeat.

I also hope that I stay strong, stay fair and I can’t help but stay American, so I persist in helping create a gentler, more just nation. This essay is about all of us doing the best we can — the real best we can, not the easy or usual best we offer. Maybe you’ll consider another read…